honest.

As my college experience comes to a close, I’ve decided to wipe the dust off the ol’ blog and give it a go once again. Not that I think I’ll really have the time to post consistently. But I’ve been so inspired to pour myself into the things that bring me joy and purpose, and I’m learning that writing from the heart is one of those things. So even if no one reads this junk, whatever. It’s for me, after all.

I like to journal when I listen to sermons and when I’m reading my Bible and praying, and I recently finished a journal that encompassed roughly the past 6 months of my life. I decided to read the journal in its entirety. It’s always interesting to step back in time to the thoughts of Less-Mature Jos, and see how far God has brought me.

I soon discovered that Less-Mature Jos was actually not necessarily less mature. As I look back on some of the things I wrote in my journal, I am struck by their honesty and trust. “I love being Yours, Father”, I wrote, struggling but still trusting in the midst of the loneliness of singleness I was feeling on October 1st.

How convicting, to read your own writing and remember that you used to get it. I actually was in a place where I trusted what God was doing in my life. I dwelt in the identity given to me by God – daughter – and in response, I sweetly thanked Him for His love.

What happened? Why do I read those 5 words and sigh?

Because that doesn’t seem like enough anymore. I love being God’s, sure, but I still long for other things too, like security, clear direction for my future, and especially to be in a relationship moving towards marriage. Oh boy, I want that so badly.

Well, God, You put these longings here, I say, frowning at the ceiling. It’s Your fault that I want more. If You gave these things to me, then I could learn to trust You.

Ick. How ugly, to give God ultimatums concerning my love for Him. I hate seeing that in me; I’d like to ignore that it isn’t there. But this blog post is entitled ‘honest’, so I would be robbing myself of this opportunity for vulnerability if I wasn’t completely honest. And that icky thought is there, even when I ignore it.

I can offer no answers, friends. All I know is that my life is not going the direction I wanted it to, and maybe that’s okay. Actually, I know it’s okay. It hurts and it sucks and I’ll probably cry a lot in the next few months and frown some more at the ceiling in self-pity, but I’m still here. God hasn’t pulled me off this Earth yet, and I rest convinced that it’s for a good reason or two.

So, I will offer this instead: in the midst of my tears and pain, God was and is faithful to give me purpose. He gave me and gives me every day opportunities to be kind, to speak truth, to love. On top of those eternal, valuable things, He gave me my dream job, which involves serving people practically and being thanked by little kids (and adults too) as they shove chocolate muffins into their mouths. He gave me a voice with which to sing and fingers that can play and the ability to turn my heartache into songs that remind me of His goodness and kindness and faithfulness. He gives me beauty every day, in the cliche places like sunsets and flowers and all that crap, but also in hot cups of homemade coffee and in the new drawing pens I just bought and especially in the way my friends serve and love me, despite my ugliness and stubborn heart.

And above all, He gives me grace. Because if I were God, I would have smote Joslyn Ann Vargas after the hundredth time she sank into that place of self-pity. But I am glad I am not God. I am glad that He is in control, not me. I am glad that His mercies are new every morning, and that His faithfulness is great (Lamentations 3:23).

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. This blog post has been cathartic, and even if not a single person ever reads it, I feel better knowing that my heart is out there. If you have questions about my situation, or if you find yourself in a place of frowning at the ceiling, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I cherish the thought of hearing your hurt and praying for you.

Search and pray for purpose, friend. God is faithful to answer prayers that are in alignment with His heart, and I know that His heart for you is to live and thrive in His best. Believe me when I say this: you have eternal importance. God has called you His.

Honest.